Prince Most Charming Smile Learns a Lesson!
by Cielita
Summary: Professor Gilderoy Lockhart was the six time winner of Witch Weekly's "Most Charming Smile" award. But what happens when his flirting gets him tangled in an elaborate practical joke?


"Prince 'Most Charming Smile'  
Learns a Lesson  
  
  
Summary: It's true, Professor Gilderoy Lockhart was a six-time winner of Witch Weekly Magazine's Most Charming Smile award. But what happens when all his bragging gets tangled up in an elaborate practical joke? This story takes place somewhere during "HP and the Chamber of Secrets". Wild, zany, out of control fun to read!  
  
Disclaimer: Do I really have to say it again?!?! I don't own them and certainly didn't make any money on this, so just read and enjoy!  
  
The end of the staff meeting finally came. Gilderoy Lockhart carefully stacked all of his papers and stood to leave the room. He thought Dumbledore would never stop talking. Honesty, he ought to think about doing something with his hair. I mean, really, that long beard and hair! He looks like Merlin, and behaves like that Muggle, Gandhi, and the two just do not go together! A man needs to think about his image!  
The halls were strangely silent for a Saturday. The students were at Hogsmeade, and it was an ideal fall day. There was something to be said for a beautiful sunny day like this. Yes, perfect day to work on his tan. As he strolled back to his quarters, he heard a click of heels behind him. Passing it off as one of his female coworkers, he continued, so one could imagine how shocked he was when he was struck on the behind by a hand. He stopped in his tracks as the person grasped his shoulder and spoke.  
"You know, Gilderoy, I think you have assets about you that are better than your smile," Purred the voice of Madam Pince, the librarian. The hand she retained on his bottom squeezed, and he jumped a bit before watching her walk away, a seductive swagger in her hips. Lockhart gulped audibly and smoothed the front of his robes before continuing. The staff certainly were acting strangely today.  
Finally arriving in the safety of his quarters, Lockhart set his papers and things on his desk and went to shut the door. He turned around and to his shock, there was another surprise stretched out across his bed. Draped in silk and lace with a suggestive look in her eyes, was Sibyll Trelawney.  
"Whu-what are you doing here?" he gulped. It was getting harder and harder to breath. Was it getting hot in here? The window that he had opened to let in the summer sunshine was closed, and the curtains were drawn. There was a sheer red shade over his lamp, and the room was heavily perfumed with lavender, juniper and rose petals. She slipped off the bed and strode over to where he stood, draped her arms around his neck and smiled.  
"There's no need to be coy, Gilderoy. I know you've felt that special something between us," she purred.  
"B-but, Sibyll, we've only just met!" Lockhart stuttered.  
"I just love your shoulders," Trelawney continued dreamily running her hands over his shoulders and chest, "They're so broad and masculine."  
"I really don't think this is appropriate right now!" Lockhart said, a little more forcefully.  
"But I've seen it, in my crystal ball, won't you show me yours?" she said, reaching up to tease his ear with her long fingers. He only pushed her away and straightened his robes again, firmly ordering Trelawney to leave.  
"Poor Gilderoy, don't know what you're missing," she said, stroking his face as she left the room. Lockhart sank into a chair and dropped his head into his hands. There was something so wrong with that picture. For a moment he sniffed the air and then quickly went over and threw open his window again to chase out all the perfume that Trelawney had introduced into his breathing environment. He scooped the rose petals off his down comforter and tossed them into the garbage. What was with these women?  
  
"This is getting serious, no one ever rejects my 'crystal ball' line!" Sibyll said when she returned to the Divination tower, where the rest of her female coworkers were waiting for her.  
"Perhaps Gilderoy is a tougher boy than we thought, ladies," said Madam Hooch, opening another window, "I think it's my turn, ladies."  
"I don't know, Hannah," said Madam Pomfrey, sitting with her legs tucked beneath her on a pile of poufs nearby "Maybe we should send Star next. I hear she has a 'love fern' routine that knocks 'em dead."  
"Love fern?" said Professor McGonagall, reclining across a couch on the other side of the room, "What's a love fern?" She threw a look of amused curiosity at Professor Sprout. Stella Sprout rolled her eyes and stood.  
"If you want me to pull that kind of show, I'm going to need to go and wash my hair," she said, "I didn't know I was going to be part of a prank of this magnitude when I got up today."  
"When properly executed, this will work miracles. That pompous, arrogant, self-absorbed wind-bag of a man will not flirt with another one of us as long as he lives," said Professor McGonagall, reaching for another handful of jellybeans from the dish on Sibyll's coffee table.  
"Textbook ostentatious jerk," added Madam Hooch, "When do I get to play?"  
"We're looking at an all-day affair, ladies," said McGonagall, "Hannah, I think we're going to have to save you until after lunch. Let Stella do her thing. Make sure you injure him, Star!" she called after her as Professor Sprout descended the ladder from the tower.  
"Why on Earth would you deliberately injure him?" cried Madam Pomfrey, the nurse in her suddenly alarmed.  
"Well, what better excuse to send him to you, Poppy?" said Sibyll, a wide smile gracing her face. Poppy smiled and looked down to hide the blush in her cheeks.  
"That a girl, Poppy. If I were you, I'd run a few extra tests just to make sure he's all right!" said Hooch. All present company enjoyed a bout of laughter as they left the tower.  
"Where's Selene? Didn't she want to be in on this?" asked Madam Hooch.  
"No. She told me that she thinks we're all behaving like teenagers and she wants nothing to do with this," said McGonagall, smoothing her skirt when she arrived at the bottom of the ladder. They laughed as they went their separate ways.  
"We'll regroup in my room after lunch! Good luck, Star!" McGonagall cried.  
  
An hour later, Professor Lockhart strolled into Greenhouse 5, Professor Sprout's private greenhouse where she grew some of the more exotic plants that she only used with the older students.  
"You called for me, Professor Sprout?" he called, having found his smile again. Sprout reached back and patted her hair into place and smoothed her robes before answering, "I'm back here! Come, Gilderoy, I have something for you!"  
"Dear woman, you shouldn't have!" he called back as he stepped around the various plants and flowers, his customary bravado showing through as he straightened his back and shoulders. "My, don't you look lovely today, Professor! Have you done something with your hair?" He was plainly trying to flatter her, and it was working beautifully. Sprout blushed a bit and smiled before she produced a potted plant from behind her.  
"What is it?" asked Lockhart with genuine curiosity.  
"It's a love fern," she cooed, stroking its leaves. Lockhart felt like a chunk of solid iron had just hit the pit of his stomach.  
"There's no need to be so shy, Professor. I know you and I share a special bond, so I grew this especially for you. Every time you water it you can think of us!" she said merrily. Lockhart was in shock. This couldn't possibly be happening! How could she of all people think that he..no! That was just..!! Lockhart suppressed a shudder as he gingerly took the plant from her hands. She sensed his tension and preyed upon it like a Venus fly trap.  
"You don't like it?" she asked innocently, looking at him with the eyes of a doe, "I.I thought you would appreciate a-a token of my affection for you! I even charmed it to grow in a heart shape.to remind you." Her eyes brimmed with tears, and Lockhart began to panic. He had no idea what this woman was capable of if she was upset.he had to do something!  
"Stella, no! I-it's not that I don't absolutely adore it, it's that I- I just didn't expect such a.well.forthright expression of your affection! Honestly, it's a lovely plant and I will treat it with the utmost reverence, just as I would treat you," he said, forcing himself to place his arm around her and kissing her head. She looked up at him, her eyes wet with tears and sniffled.  
"Do you really mean that?" she whimpered.  
"Of course I do!" he said, gingerly setting the plant on the center bench and taking hands, "I'll be saving you a set right beside me at lunch today. What do you say?" Sprout smiled again and nodded, choking back the tears that had begun to fall over her round cheeks. Carefully, Lockhart took the plant and strode quickly out of the greenhouse. From the next greenhouse over, there was a rustling and giggling. There was a crash seconds later, and Sprout went running to see. Lockhart had tripped over a creeping vine that had stretched itself over his path and crashed to the floor.  
"Gilderoy! Are you all right?" she shrieked, "The fern!" she ran to him and plucked the intact fern from his outstretched arms. He had managed to save the fern from an early demise by keeping it from hitting the ground with him. She watched as he fought to get back up, untangling himself from the vine, and finally brushing his hair out of his face.  
"No worries, Stella. I'm just fine," he grunted as he stood, bracing himself on the bench.  
"Perhaps I should put this in your room for you. You're injured! Go to the hospital wing straight away!" she ordered. Lockhart was not about to argue. The pounding on the other greenhouse wall caught their attention and Sprout dusted Lockhart off.  
"That's the new mammoth plant I have in back. It's nearly feeding time. Run along, now, dear, I'll be up to see you as soon as I finish!" Sprout explained. She took the fern with her back into greenhouse 5 and slammed the door. Lockhart hobbled off to the hospital wing, a very confused, fearful man.  
When Sprout unceremoniously placed the fern on the bench and opened the opposite door, the one to her office, her friends collapsed into hysterics around her. The pounding had not been the non-existent mammoth plant, but Hannah Hooch, laughing so hard that she was leaning on the wall and pounding it with her fist. Minerva McGonagall was sitting nearby in Sprout's rocking chair, having removed her spectacles to wipe away tears from her green eyes from laughter. Sibyll Trelawney was kneeling on the floor nearby, and Madam Pince was in the chair behind Sprout's desk, her feet propped up on the desktop and she too was holding her stomach in laughter.  
"Where did you learn how to do that?" wheezed Professor McGonagall, "That was hysterical!" Hooch was still laughing too hard to speak, but Pince spoke up, "You even cried! How did you manage to fake that?"  
"What do you mean, fake? Those tears were real!" Professor Sprout asserted, wiping the last of the tears from her eyes as she joined her friends in a good hearty laugh.  
"Hey, Minerva, I'd love to see your Fred and George Weasley beat this joke!" Madam Hooch managed, once again starting the whole room to laughing.  
  
"I can't wait to see Gilderoy's face when he walks out of the hospital wing! If he thinks that what we can do is cruel, you wait until Poppy's done with him!" said Professor McGonagall.  
"I had better make sure that this is in his room before he gets back up there, or he's going to catch on. Come on now, get out of my office!" Sprout cried.  
By lunch, none of them could wait to see their poor, tormented co- worker. Gilderoy Lockhart hobbled awkwardly into the Great Hall and the six culprits responsible for his tormented day could hardly stifle their laughter. Professor McGonagall nearly had to leave the room.  
"Are you sure you're all right, Minerva?" asked Professor Dumbledore warily. Not quite sure he wanted to know.  
"Just fine, Albus," she squeaked, coughing into the napkin from her lap. Madam Pomfrey entered the Great Hall minutes later, dabbing her eyes and smiling. She looked up at McGonagall and Sprout and nodded. She smiled smugly as she approached the high table. She made a move to sit beside Sprout and she shook her head. Madam Pomfrey stopped and looked at her. Professor Sprout smiled wickedly and Pomfrey understood.  
"Oh, Gilderoy!"  
  
After lunch Lockhart returned to his chambers, a very sore, very tired man. He had had just about enough of women for one day. Lockhart swore to himself that he would pay the headmaster a visit as soon as he had finished his nap. He was certain that Madam Pomfrey had run far too many tests for this diagnosis. All he had come to her with is a bump on the head and a few scrapes and bruises and she had run an entire battery of tests, some of which were not very nice. He carefully checked every corner of his classroom and living quarters for any sign of an uninvited guest and finally relaxed, sure that he was safe. He crept over to his bed and crawled on top of it, relaxing into the pillow.  
Minutes of sweet quiet passed before there was a knock at Lockhart's door. He contemplated not answering it, but it persisted and he ventured to the door, opening it just a crack to see who it was. The stern brown eyes of Severus Snape met him.  
"Gilderoy?" he said, his eyebrow threatening to invade his hairline.  
  
"Severus, I wasn't expecting you," he said, trying to be pleasant. He still hadn't opened the door very far.  
"I was just coming to see if you were all right. You were behaving very strangely at lunch and I was making sure that you were feeling all right," Snape explained.  
"Thank you, Severus. That was kind of you to check.I've, well, just been having a very unusual day today," Lockhart replied. Professor Snape nodded respectfully and left him. Lockhart flopped down on his bed again and took a deep breath before attempting sleep again.  
Far away, in Professor McGonagall's living quarters, the jokers had congregated again, and were still getting over the giggles when Professor Snape slipped inside.  
"What on earth are the six of you doing to him?" he asked, leaning against the door after he closed it. The women laughed again as Snape came further into the room.  
"We're showing him that it's not nice to flirt with your co-workers!" said Hooch, "By the way, it's my turn."  
"Maybe we should give him a break, Hannah," said Professor Sprout.  
"What for? He hasn't cracked yet. After what Poppy did to him before lunch, I didn't think he was going to be able to sit down. What did you call that again?" cried Madam Hooch, starting to laugh again.  
"I think muggles call it rigid sigmoidoscopy. Not particularly painful, but a little, well, invasive," said Madam Pomfrey as her friends cringed, "It's not a standard procedure in my hospital wing, but for an exceptional man like Gilderoy, I was willing to make an exception." The room burst into laughter again.  
"All right, time to turn up the heat a little on this situation," said Madam Hooch, "Minerva, you're our last resort. If he doesn't run screaming after this, we're going to have to go to DEFCON 5 so be prepared." Madam Hooch left the room at this amid the giggles and laughter of her friends. Poor Snape only shook his head in wonder. He was just glad that it wasn't him.  
"Let's lay the smack down ladies," said Minerva, rising from the bed where she was lying and walked to her closet. Desperate times call for desperate measures.  
  
There was a knock at the door. Professor Lockhart's eyes popped open. According to the clock on his bedside table, only an hour had passed since he had last put his head to his pillow. He was afraid to open the door, but he forced himself to get up and open it.  
"Madam Hooch, may I help you?" he asked, masking the fear pounding in his ribcage.  
"You look a bit under the weather, Gilderoy, I though that we could go for a run! That would be just the thing to perk you back up!" Hooch said, dragging an unwilling Lockhart out of his room.  
"Madam Hooch, as much as I appreciate the invitation, I really don't think it's necessary," he said. She wouldn't take no for an answer. Like a drill instructor, she forced him to work out with her for about half of the afternoon. By the time they had finished, he was exhausted and she was exhilarated. She had even taught him some advanced quidditch techniques before they were through. Hooch walked Lockhart back to his room and kissed his cheek lightly.  
"Let's do this again sometime. That was fun!" she said, "Would you like me to help you get cleaned up, Gilderoy?" She was standing far too close for normal conversation and slowly beginning to unbutton his robes.  
"No, thank you, Hannah. I'll just."  
"But the way you and I talked before you sounded as though you could use a little.extra attention," Hooch said, her hands slipping around his waist and her wild, feline eyes made love to him as she spoke.  
He slipped from her arms and back into his room, slamming the door in her face. Just for flare, she persisted by his door for another 15 minutes, knocking and begging him to come back out. When she reached McGonagall's room again, her friends were falling all over themselves. They had watched most of her 'performance' and were cracking up as she walked calmly out of Lockhart's classroom.  
Back in Lockhart's living quarters, he let his outer robes and shirt fall to the floor, letting the cooling afternoon breeze ripple over his tightly muscled chest. He flopped over onto his bed again, looking about his room. He caught a look at something green on the vanity table and shuddered. It was the 'love fern' from Professor Sprout. She had forced him to sit next to her at lunch, indulging her cute conversation and offers to pot him another plant. As he gazed at the ceiling, there was a noise just outside his room. He cautiously opened the door and a gray, black striped tabby cat meowed at him, her tail wagging affectionately. She came into the room and rubbed herself against each of his legs.  
"Where did you come from?" he asked the cat, "I love cats!" The animal had glittering green eyes and she leapt gracefully up onto the bed and sat, just as though she did this every day. Lockhart returned to the bed and sat down, stroking the cat with long, languid strokes and smiling as she purred. Lockhart was finally beginning to relax. He could get used to having this cat around, that is, if it decided to stay. This thought process was interrupted when the cat transformed into a slender, beautiful young woman with the same glittering green eyes and a mane of long brown hair.  
The black silk negligee she wore beneath a sheer black kimono left very little to Lockhart's already over-active imagination, and this particular young woman had assets in all the right places. She pushed him backwards onto the bed and straddled his thighs.  
"You've been a very bad boy, Gilderoy," she purred, "Now you're going to have to be punished." Oh, yeah, he wanted to know exactly what she had in mind. He had no idea where she had come from, but she looked vaguely familiar. He just couldn't place it, nor did he particularly care. Whoever she was, she knew exactly which buttons to push and in what order. He was just beginning to enjoy this little treatment when the beautiful mirage melted away..  
Poor Lockhart.his screams could be heard all over the castle and minutes later, he was running from it as fast as he could, which wasn't as fast as he had hoped due to the mistreatment he had been dealt throughout the day.  
  
**Two hours before**  
Professor McGonagall was standing in the bathroom adjoining her bedroom. She couldn't believe what she was seeing. Gingerly she touched her face and hair as she stared into the mirror.  
"Severus, I haven't looked like this in nearly a half century!" she gasped from the other side of the closed bathroom door. The other women looked at one another in anticipation. Professor Snape had gifted both Professor McGonagall and Professor Dumbledore with a shoe-box sized carton of carefully measured doses of a potion that he only distributed to a very select few. It was a temporary youth potion, and it melted fifty years from Professor McGonagall's aging body. Gone were the bags and wrinkles, gone were the liver spots and age lines. Gone were the veins that stood out on her hands and the generally flabby quality that her body had taken to over the passing years. Her skin was smooth, supple, and glowing. Her hair had returned to the consistency and color of melted chocolate, and her eyes no longer required the aid of her spectacles. Carefully, she donned the outfit that she had pulled from the closet. An outfit that she had purchased as a very young woman anticipating a future including marriage. A marriage that didn't happen back then. She had never worn the beautiful black negligee and sheer matching kimono. She swept her naturally curly hair into a sweet, half up, half down hairstyle and even dared to apply a bit of makeup. When she had finished, she timidly opened the door a crack.  
  
"Well, come out, Minerva! We all want to see what a 'goddess' Severus has turned you into!" said Hooch. They gasped, oohed and ahhed when she came out.  
"Gilderoy won't know what hit him!" squealed Madam Hooch, standing up to hug Minerva before she looked at Snape.  
"Thank you, Severus. This was the best Christmas present anyone's ever given me!" she said, wrapping her arms around him for a moment and kissing his cheek. Snape was visibly shaken and had to sit down as she melted into the form of a cat and bounded down the hall.  
It happened just like McGonagall had said. Poor Lockhart didn't know what to do when his miraculous vision became his boss. He had snapped and run, just as she had predicted. The moral of the story: never flirt with your co-workers. 


End file.
